Question. I have had mild, chronic dysthymia since adolescence and have been helped greatly in the last few years by Prozac. I believe much of my depressive tendencies are due to a lifelong oversensitivity to negative feedback. My mother says that as a child, a stern look from her shut me down for an entire day. I’m now seeing a similar behavior in my 4-year-old daughter. I’ve never punished her in any way because she really hasn’t needed it. She’s very eager to please and do things well. I spoil her a bit, but not to an extreme. I do set limits, which she accepts. When she gets a mild rebuke of any sort, she falls apart. She sobs hysterically. I think it really hurts her. Should I toughen her up by correcting her more often? Or, should I see to it that she has as stress-free a life as possible until she’s ready deal with her feelings?
Answer. These are difficult questions to answer without an evaluation of your daughter, her periods of sobbing, etc. I can offer you some general recommendations. I would probably avoid either of the two courses you outline, and aim, instead, for a kind of middle ground. Trying to toughen up your daughter may only worsen her hypersensitivity, without dealing with the underlying issues. Conversely, trying to keep her life stress-free may only set her up for a major shock as she learns that the real world is anything but stress-free.
So what can you do? First, I would try to couch any criticism in terms that may help soften the blow; for example, instead of saying, “Honey, don’t touch that candy!” you might sit down quietly, hold your daughter’s hand, and say gently, “Honey, I know you didn’t mean any harm, but I would like you to wait until after supper before eating the candy.” Obviously, you can tailor the language and words to whatever fits and is comfortable.
If your daughter has one of her hysterical sobbing bouts anyway, I would avoid reinforcing this by being overly comforting at the time she is doing the hysterical sobbing, unless you truly believe your daughter is frightened and needs to be comforted. Instead, I would stay at a discreet distance, and say something like, “Honey, when you calm down, I will sit with you and explain why you cannot eat the candy.” This approach may help reinforce more mature behaviors, over time.
Third, instead of shielding your daughter from stress or perceived rebukes, I would try to teach her ways of coping with stress. You can assure her that you love her even when she makes mistakes. Practicing what she will do when she feels like crying may help. Ask her what she will say to herself when she feels like crying, i.e., “Mommy still loves me, even when I make a mistake.” I suspect you have already used some of these approaches on your own.
In the long-term, I would be interested to know if your daughter’s hypersensitivity is seen only at home, or in school and on theplayground as well. If she sobs every time the teacher looks cross, etc., I would suggest a professional evaluation with a child psychologist or psychiatrist. Your daughter might benefit from some therapy, if the problem is pervasive in that way. And remember, while it’s commendable to want to prevent your daughter from experiencing depression later in life, it is not at all clear that you have that within your power. Depression is probably determined by a combination of genetic, biochemical, social and psychological factors. The burden need not be all on your shoulders.